Secrets

I can't decide if I like them or not. Secrets I mean. Sometimes they are delicious things that you can just hug tight and they leave you with a smile that lasts the whole day long. Other times...well, at other times life would be a whole lot simpler if you didn't have them.

Secrets I have kept this past week

1. Reasons why I have bruises on my thighs and backside. Sir asked me to send him a picture today so I sat on the bed and pulled my skirt up so that he could see the faded yellow puddles left over from my spanking last week. It felt kind of sexy showing him that his mark was still there, and sometimes just catching sight of them sends a little shiver through me.

But negotiating the five foot from the swimming pool to the sauna and then over to the jacuzzi was a whole different thing. I started walking like a crab on stilts. Suddenly my secret bruises felt a little sordid. Or made me look like a clumsy pratt.

2. This blog. Someone asked me if Sir knows about this blog and my answer is I don't know. I haven't told him and the reason behind that is that I like being able to ponder things without thinking that as soon as I post them they will be under his scrutiny. Hmm, not particularly submissive of me...and of, course, if he comes across it (and if he does he will know it's me instantly) then I have nothing to hide.

3. The whole BDSM thing. Sometimes I long to bring it up just to see the look on people's faces. It's probably an attention thing as I know with a revelation like that I would get a lot...curiosity, questions, perhaps even more...but of course, I don't. At times keeping quiet can seem like living a lie and perhaps that's where this blog comes in because here I can be as free as I like.

4. Talking to other Doms. I talk doms other than Sir. I like both the attention and the conversation. And, of course, I am genuinely interested in what they have to say. Last week one of them asked me if I told Sir and I very honestly said that I would. I omitted to say "if he asks"...which of course, he hasn't...

5. Chatting with Bad Boy and not telling him how much I missed him as it would open up something that I don't really want opened. It was a secret that felt hard, but right, to keep. And one that he probably knows anyway.

6. My neediness. One thing I find hard with BDSM is the feelings of neediness it provokes. Now, day to day I am not needy. I run a business, write, have a family, swim, gym, play poker and have a very good social life. What I have found is that my submissive side is prodding out intense feelings of neediness that I am finding hard to cope with...it's one reason why I ended it with Bad Boy ..I couldn't cope with the way it made me feel. I do not like to feel dependence in any form...and I am ashamed of it. I find neediness both off-putting and sad in other people so am doing my best to hide it...and finding it very difficult. I think, for the moment, this is my hardest secret of all..which is why, whoever reads this, I am so glad to be able to tell you.