Submission and the Art of Not Thinking

I have come to the conclusion that I think too much. It's a strange thing for me to say as I was brought up in a household where thinking was valued highly. Whilst other kids were reading Enid Blyton my Dad had me reading Ellery Queen novels and trying to come up explanations of locked roomed murder mysteries. When I asked about life after death, and if there was such a thing, I didn't get platitudes or religion. Instead I was driven to the library and told to read some Philosophy and make my own mind up.

Thinking our way to University was the only way my sister and I could get away from our Welsh mining/steel works roots where poverty mentality ruled.

I can't knock thinking, and I do love it ...Edward de Bono, Mind Mapping, Plato...I find thinking about stuff quite compelling. I even find people who think deeply hugely attractive. One past boyfriend was able to chat me up with the simple statement that he was in Mensa and his favourite author was John Steinbeck!When people ask who you would invite to your dream dinner party I would merely love to have dinner a deux with Stephen Hawkin....

But living your life by thought alone means that you grow up not trusting feelings...or getting in touch with your gut instinct. It also means that your brain never stops. And I mean never.

My main two ways of dealing with this have been alcohol and exercise. I don't mean serious alcohol addiction, but I do like to drink. I relish being able to feel, and let my brain step back a little and just tick over in the background. I am no fitness fanatic, any of my friends would laugh at the idea, but I have to swim at least 45 lengths twice a week, and do half an hour of running or cross-training at the gym just to stop my mind churning over. In theory yoga should work too, but I personally need something mind-numbing and repetitive.

But my small forays in BDSM seem to sometimes (not always) provide an even better release. There are times when I cannot think straight. There are other times when I cannot even think. Actually there are moments when I cannot speak...my brain and mouth are not connected. And I absolutely love it. Whilst being spanked, for instance, is extremely erotic for me, it's also intensely physical and it is such a relief to be able to be so wholly in the moment, so concentrated on one place, one feeling, one desire, that the brain just goes quiet.

On the times when I have felt really, truly dominated there's been a lovely stillness in my head. I want more of it.