Stop Press: Submission Causes Ripples

If one pebble can send out a multitude of ripples then I must have been wielding a boulder in my own personal pond. Things which have remained static for years are suddenly changing, friends are beginning to ask questions, people I pass once or twice a week are stopping me to comment on my glow or bright eyes.

Of course, I found myself changing a little when I was seeing Bad Boy: he helped me get over a four-year-long driving phobia and made me sit up and realise how small I was allowing my own world to become, but those changes seem mild in comparison to what is happening now.

One week, I was crawling around a hotel room with a collar around my neck and a leash dangling from my mouth, definitely no longer the good girl. Just over a month later I seem to be shedding the good girl skin for real.

After years of literally avoiding one difficult conversation, one around which so much of my life pivots, I had it last weekend. And I realised the fear of having it was so much worse than the reality of just saying how I felt.

Again, I have decided to stop doing something I have been doing out of duty. I know this will cause more ripples. It may perhaps even drag me under in the short-term. But I'll get past that.

I have pulled someone up on how they talk to me, and told them it's no longer acceptable. And I feel deliciously proud for having done it.

Iron Man has been encouraging me to try climbing; suggesting that the release I will get might well take the edge off the subbyness/neediness I feel when I am not with Sir...and (believe me here when I say I get vertigo on a chair) I am prepared to try it. At the very least it might give me an excuse for having bruises on my ass!

But it's something I could never have considered a few months ago.